September 22, 2009

Surrendering to Pain

Writing about my journey with Crohn’s Disease may seem more like a rant with plenty of complaints, rude remarks, and maybe a little bit of humor in the mix of it all.
I know that I am able to speak for many others out there when I say they use humor to joke about the serious things in life. That would be me. I often find myself making jokes about myself, laughing it off, and when being teased about having Crohn’s Disease I just giggle away as if it is not cutting me deep and affecting me.

About a year ago I thought to myself, and expressed to my family and friends that I was really in acceptance with my disease, and was not going to let Crohn’s rule my life.

Was I lying to myself, and to all the many others I told? I can’t answer that; everyday seems to be a different answer it seems. Today I would say I am terrified, the pain has been to much the last week, I am ready to surrender. Give me all the medication to numb the pain, and let me slip into a deep sleep where I won’t be jolted out of bed in pure agony.

Being brave takes work, and determination, something I find myself too weak to even think about on days as bad as today.

Hearing my alarm clock go off at 6am this morning instantly brought tears to my eyes, I began to panic, “how am I going to make it through work today”? There is no way I am able to take my pain medication at work, as it is as strong as a horse tranquilizer, and knocks me out cold.

The anxiety of having to go to work everyday is exhausting, never knowing if today will be a good day, no pain, no complaints. Or is it going to be a day that drags on, minute by minute, as I practice my Lamaze breathing as if I were in labor to try and manage the chronic pain stabbing through my body.

To accept that this is me and how my life was laid out for me is a hard thing to believe. Braving through the pain daily, yes that takes determination, making it through one work day that is bravery for me, in my case.

The havoc Crohn’s disease has created in my life, and my family’s life is saddening, depressing, and enraging. What I must accept is the bravery my family has instilled in me through my weakest times with this disease, and the hope that they give me all the time when they have researched another method to try and control my disease.

What gives me my all time strength to hold my head high and fight would be my daughter, Keely saying “Mommy, u otay? U be otay Mommy”, followed by a loving little kiss on my cheek.


  1. I can't sit here and tell you that I know exactly what you are going through because I don't; however, I can relate.
    I have had "stomach" problems since I was 12 years old. I have been to the doctors countless times, been through what seems like a million procedures and they have not been able to tell me what the problem is.
    I have spent hours upon hours researching and the one thing that seems to match all of my symptoms is Chrohn's.
    A close "family member" of mine was diagnosed with this horrible disorder recently and I have been there by her side while she has been struggling through it!
    Stay strong! You are such an amazing person...and plus your little angle is there watching over you to make sure you are "otay"

    Nicole Charbonneau

  2. I can't say that I understand what you are going through. I can say that while my first husband was sick. He would talk about what he was experiencing. He had very very bad days and then he had good days. All I can offer is my support and friendship if you like. Always know that there is someone who cares.

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